For a Colleague and Dr. Blasey Ford

I moved on from my #Metoo moment, compartmentalizing the experience as an ugly event in the distant past. I was lucky. On that awful night, nearly 20 years ago, I was able to remove myself from a bad situation before it escalated into a dangerous one. The occurance and the hideous HR investigation following it did not derail, nor define me.  But, with the swirl of vitriol surrounding the Kavanaugh nomination that’s demoralizing our national psyche (and mine), I’ve been forced to go back to that dark experience from my past. 

The memories, which are suffocating, were triggered by an email I received this week from a former colleague. She bore the brunt of aggregious behavior by a drunken executive, for which I feel horribly responsible. You see, I chose not to stand up to the asshole when I was his target and as a result, someone else fell into his clutches. 

It was an evening of celebration for my company. As has been the case throughout my career, I was the sole female executive, (another issue for another day) so as usual, I found myself surrounded by male colleagues. This time, we were in a crowded bar, but nothing out of the ordinary occurred until one of them grabbed me by the back of my neck and pulled me uncomfortably close so he could whisper how much power and control he had at the company and over me.  It was surreal. I scanned the table and registered with alarm that some of my colleagues realized something wasn’t right. But, not one intervened. In the heat of the situation, I frantically reviewed my options. While I contemplated being assertive and throwing my drink in his face or abruptly standing to physically break free, I made the choice not to be “that woman”, nor to “make a scene”.  So, I endured the verbal abuse and when the guy got distracted and loosened his grip, I saw my chance to break free and quickly retreated to my hotel room. 

There, I fumed, furious for not reacting to the situation in the manner I expected of myself, furious with my colleagues who saw that I was in trouble, but did nothing and of course, furious with the “esteemed” executive, who was disgustingly inebriated and physically and verbally abusive.

The next morning, fury turned to shame and guilt when I discovered that one of my managers made the tragic mistake of taking my seat after I left. With more alcohol to fuel his drunken power trip, the executive’s behavior turned even more aggressive and harrowing.  

The harrassment threw my colleague off course well beyond that evening in a manner that had deep personal and professional ramifications. Her email this week reminded me how greatly we failed her, how greatly I failed her. She spiraled out of control not just because of the abuse she endured in that bar, but because the company, while feigning concern and zero tolerance afterwards, actually did nothing in response. I let myself get talked into believing that doing the right thing by her wasn’t as important as protecting our stock price. Why risk public embarrassment and potential harm on Wall Street when no one was “really hurt”?   

The guy? I’m sure he was humiliated to have endured the HR investigation (poor thing), most likely because the subject matter was so beneath who he believed himself to be. But, beyond that, there were no consequences. He moved on from the company years after the incident—taking on a CEO position elsewhere.  Obviously, he experienced no professional derailment as a result of his behavior. 

I wonder if he or my former colleagues watched the Senate hearing this week.  I wonder if the national conversation is triggering memories of the incident as vividily for them as it has for us?  Is there reflection and remorse on how we handled the situation?  Are they empathatic towards Dr. Blasey Ford, who bravely stood before the world to recall an unspeakable experience?  Can these men appreciate how hard it is for far too many of us to observe the oh-so-predictable and gender-biased handling of her allegations?  Will they connect the dots back to that time we gathered in a hotel cocktail lounge so many years ago?  

 I am doubtful, so I write this blog post to nudge them on to do so. They owe it to all #MeToo-ers to be intraspective, to learn, and to simply do and be better.  I hope they heed my call -- for our colleague, the wrongs she endured and to honor the courage displayed by Dr. Blasey Ford this week.  

 I have decided to re-engage online.  Over the years, I  have periodically posted pieces on LinkedIn, but moving forward, I'm going to focus my attention on this much-neglected blog. Beyond books,  I'm expanding my musings to cover other topics: work, life, kids and  just  random observations.

TALKING LIKE A GIRL

I re-watched the match and read dozens of opinion pieces to help put the US Open Finals fiasco in proper perspective but yet despite doing this and "sleeping on it", the Serena Williams penalties in Saturday’s final still infuriate me.  I'm spitting nails, blood-boiling-kind-of-mad.  

This year’s final match is and forever will be marred in controversy.  It's clear that those ridiculous late-match calls deflated any chance for the all-mighty Serena to mount a thrilling comeback. And for Naomi, it's just not right that a young player’s dream of winning her first Grand Slam was reduced to a nightmare, the moment it became a reality. The officiating of the Women’s Tennis Final at the US Open and the USTA’s response to those controversial calls stink on so many levels. We just can't ignore it. 

The ugly truth is clear. Had Serena been a man, her exchange with the linesman would have been interpreted altogether differently. Yesterday, there were no voices raised. No profanities uttered. Serena Williams simply had the audacity to push back and voice her discontent. Because she’s a woman, because she’s a strong black woman, her words were interpreted as wildly offensive and so inappropriate the only recourse was to penalize her. Over and over again.    

As I read through other commentary on this, I wasn’t surprised to hear from men who admitted they’ve pushed back way more aggressively on far lesser stages than the US Open Final. Their punishments? Verbal warnings. Why the different treatment for Serena Williams?  Why the different treatment for many women -- off the court?  

I'm lucky.  I’ve never felt thwarted in my career advancement because of my gender, nor uncomfortable working side by side with the men who dominate my industry. But, the truth remains that the rules of engagement are different for me and my female counterparts, especially in the realm of communication. Yesterday’s conflict highlighted this disparity.   

At work, in the field, and at conferences, I watch women present ideas and challenge others in a far more deliberate manner than their male counterparts. We strive to ensure our interactions are not construed as “emotional”. For me, this has been a challenge because I am passionate about my work and the standards I set for myself, my team and my company. While my “intensity" is respected, I understand it can also reinforce my stature as “a woman”, so in the heat of debate, I work to exercise restraint. The red-faced male colleague dropping f-bombs to emphasize his point is deemed tough, assertive and commands attention. The room responds to his style of discourse. This generally is not the case for a woman pushing for her point of view just as emphatically. 
  

A colleague of mine pointed out that in executive meetings I sometimes back down from arguments and confrontation. This was painful to absorb as well as enlightening (as all the things you don’t see in yourself often are) because in the examples he cited, I didn’t feel as if I was backing away from my position. Rather, I was merely giving up on my ability to be heard. With so many loud, deep voices, mine frequently seemed the easiest to ignore. 

My colleague’s comment stings for it begs the question; what kind of example am I setting for other women in my company, those striving for executive roles or simply striving to be heard?  How can I drive behavioral and cultural change, if I am not noting this disparity?  As a company leader, isn’t it my responsibility to ensure equal interaction for everyone in the room?  

A woman can’t be afraid she’ll get “penalized” for speaking her mind. Yesterday, Serena stood her ground and called out what the  bad behavior in yesterday’s match really was: sexism.The example set at Flushing Meadows  by one of the greatest athletes of our time should inspire all of us to do the same.  

 From now on ladies, let's channel Serena's strength.  From now on, no more talking like a girl!